“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Found the job I’m suited for
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”