I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*