Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%