It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards