My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
is this how new cars are made??
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.