One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Krampus.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My birthstone is kidney
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
🙁
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’