Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard