“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.