And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Recycling in 2019: I鈥檓 not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn鈥檛 have a party I鈥檓 just an alcoholic
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
they split up moments later
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I鈥檓 get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don鈥檛 like the prices , stop coming to my house
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don鈥檛 know.
You tell me.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Can鈥檛 stop laughing.. 馃槀
*meets man next door*
That鈥檒l be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour鈥檚 wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won鈥檛 let it go until I give her a bully stick. It鈥檚 extortion!
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.