The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?