TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.