none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I was bored.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.