True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria