My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.