At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
lmao
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.