[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
reminder
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.