Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?