Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?