Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
These are my roll models.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.