Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
You Might Also Like
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.