13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Happens to everyone.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”