friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I did not eat the cake…
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Festive toon…
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter