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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.