women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Solving a traffic jam
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.