chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”