Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep