“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My beach vacation Google searches
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..