ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1