I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Why is no one talking about this?!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit