The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.