Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?