Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin