What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.