You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin