This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You Might Also Like
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Come back with a warrant
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*