Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.