At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Finally
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”