Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips