the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
This fish is cracking me up
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.