Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant