My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The biggest mystery of our time
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?