Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?