I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock