Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.