Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”