Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?