When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I like crazy people until they notice me
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?