Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
You Might Also Like
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
smh
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.