The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila