A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.